beenietron

The tumultuous relationship of 3.5 years is over. I told him the spark was gone. I told him I love him, but I cannot be his girlfriend any longer. I told him that until he finds actual value in his own life (which he won't because he's a musician, and until his band is signed to a big contract he'll never be happy with himself) he can never fully appreciate mine. I told him that he seems to be doing his best considering all the issues he has going on for himself, but that is still not enough for me. I am really sad, but I know it is for the best. I hope he does want to be friends though. I know it is soo cliche to say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself first, but it is the truth. I hope he'll be ok (he told me I was the only thing he had). Funny thing is that if I really was all he had, shouldn't he have taken better care of me? I mean, I've done all I can to seek love and depth and value in all my friendships, and to also work on my own insecurities so that I could be in a place where I respect and value myself. And I do. Finally at 30, I actually can say that I love myself. But when you get to a point where you expect so little (almost nothing) from someone, and they still manage to disappoint you by making you the bottom of their priority list constantly, it starts to eat away at you. I will always love him. I will always think of him and hope he finally reaches what he needs to in his own head to be a whole person. But I can never be with him. This was like a root canal - very very painful, but had to be done. I know I did the right thing though. I can only hope the hurting will not last...

Current Mood: melancholy

Hey all you Dragon Conners,

I noticed Peter S. Beagle will be there as a guest.. Did you know I love The Last Unicorn even more than The Lord of the Rings? I always thought the live action version of TLU was aborted (people assume it will have less of an audience because little boys won't want to see it).

If anyone meets Peter S. Beagle, or sees him, or sees anything about The Last Unicorn (hopefully Christopher Lee is still slot as King Haggard - I mean, who else could possibly be so perfect?) please report back here and tell me everything!

I will be eternally grateful, and will give you a can of Red Bull.

Beenie

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Metallica - "Kill 'Em All" CD

Am I too much of a flirt and a lush? I mean, nothing is going to happen with anyone anyways because I have a significant other of more than 3 years. But to those that know me and have seen me out, has my constant laughing and telling everyone how much they rock and how great they look and how much fun I have out seeing them - has that all become kind of "overbearing"? I'd hate to be freaking folks out. Working in a lab all day, where folks are either extremely boring, or conservative, or don't speak English, and I'm wearing "lab clothes" that can handle the onslaught of weird chemicals etc falling on them, I feel pretty isolated day to day. Then I walk to and from the gym alone, or I go jogging alone (or sometimes with cheerylilgoth), and I come home, where I live alone, and turn on the TV to keep me company. Johnny, who works in a bar, doesn't live with me anymore (thankfully!), comes over generally after 3am during the early half of the week, and of course, I'm already in bed. We might hang out two evenings in a week.

So if on the weekends I finally get to go out, and dress up, and connect with friends, is that understandable that I'd be a little on the touchy-feely or affectionate side? I'm absolutely NOT looking to hook up with anyone, and as maybe one of the few monogamists left, I feel cheating is unforgivable in any relationship I'm in. I just love my friends, and love meeting new folks, and love introducing new good folks to old good folks. Should I be trying to be more reserved and quiet when I go out? I probably should be re-aligning my priorities to dancing more, and talking and drinking less. But then again, I only have less than one year left here before I move back to the Great White North, and therefore I should try to maximize getting to know folks better when I do make it out.

When you are as introverted as I am, on a daily basis (outside of when I go out to socialize by my own free will), you start to feel invisible, and not to mention, really lonely. I know I'm a sweet affectionate person, that tends to just be a happy silly drunk. I'm wondering if the attention deficit that I build up during the week leads to me binging in being too much the social butterfly craving hugs and attention and giving perhaps too many warm fuzzies when I'm out to make up the balance. I'm also afraid of possibly sending mixed messages to folks that don't know me very well, and who may interpret my affectionate side as sleazy, insecure, insincere, or worse, overbearing! Yikes! And if I try to not go out for a month or something, will this behaviour become even worse when I do surface? And what is the point of going out if you just want to sit in the corner and not connect with people?

What have I turned into?? Does anyone else see this as a problem? Am I making too much out of nothing? Or are you all glad I finally woke up and smelled the coffee?

Current Location: home - avoiding the lab, but I've gotta go
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: When Surgical Tools Get Left Behind - on Discovery Health

Wow - sneaking off from work to have sex during your lunchbreak really is a good pick-me-up! And it seems to work better to get my hair fluffed and big than wide-toothed comb and hairspray...

Current Music: Vh1 Classic on TV

Hi All,

Is anyone from the Chapel Hill/Carrboro area going to Dirge Factory this Sunday that would be willing to give me a lift to and from? (Our Monday morning lab meeting is cancelled - yay!)

I live by the Ambulatory Care Center (by the hospital, just off of S. Columbia, so really convenient)

I promise to be good.

Beeniexoxoxoxoxoxo

(919)619-2983

Current Mood: giddy

How evil are you?

Current Location: home
Current Music: "Killer Ants" on the Discovery Channel

If you comment on this post:
1. I’ll respond with something random about you
2. I’ll challenge you to try something
3. I’ll pick a color that I associate with you
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours

I'm off to Game 5! If you are watching the game on tv and see a crazy Canadian puckheaded girl with an "away" oldskool Oilers jersey on creating a ruckus, that is probably me!

I can't wait to meet other puckheads - there have to be some!

And NO I'm not wearing waterproof mascara you chicken-counters!

Alright you Carolina Hurricanes fans - get ready to get greased by my Edmonton Oilers!!!

I looked into homegame tix - they went on sale at 8am, I checked at
11am and couldn't find anything reasonable (all the $100, and $120
tix are sold out I think)...

I will be watching EVERY GAME completely Oiled up with my glorious
puckhead on! I definitely want to watch the games in a sports bar or something like that (since now that the Canes are in, they won't
leave the sound off anymore, so I don't have to sit alone on my bed
watching them on OLN).

If you are a Canes fan, or better yet, an Oilers fan, or just curious
about the Battle between Canada and the USA in the slick sport, come watch with me!

Most likely I'll be watching the games in Chapel Hill, on Franklin
ST, probably at Shorty's (nextdoor to the Local 506) but I'm open to
exposing other pubs to my puckhead.

Or if anyone wants an Oilers fan for novelty purposes at their hockey watchin' party in Raleigh or Durham, my puckhead will fit in your car (since I can't drive)!

Just call me (919)619-2983 to figure stuff out, or else I'll be at Shorty's by default.

Game 1 starts at 8pm on Monday...

BeenieTron

Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: the noise in my head

Ok so I guessed I'd get this one... heavy metal was the gateway music form form me. I think I'll always be a metalhead that can appreciate non-traditional instruments. Oh, and being a molecular bio nerd, I love technology and science. I can't stand wearing frou-frou frilly lace getups being a girl for stark clean lines (but I can definitely appreciate them on other people). I can't stand lipstick (black, red or otherwise), and my eyeliner philosophy is anything but black (probably because my eyelashes and eyes are already black) - I think I can rock the obnoxious teals...And I'm more of a Ringer than a Trekkie, however, I guess since I own a few Star Trek uniforms (original and next gen) and have more than one communicator, and was a card-carrying member of my university's star trek club (they wanted me to run for prez), and I've been on the news in "uniform" that might make you think that. I don't speak Klingon damnit! I also love anything to do with graphic and creative torture, but I never got into the vampire thing. Ok ok, but then again, I have planned 10years in advance a trip to Romania for the sole purpose of touring one of Vlad's castles and going to the Dracula theme park. Hmm. And I suppose I'm nearing 20 Cure CDs... Ok Ok, maybe I am a "bit" of a goth!

You scored as Industrial/Rivet-Head. You're a rivet-head. You like industrial music, warehouses, and you are a minion of the machines. </td> Industrial/Rivet-Head 83% Anything-Goes Goth 75% Cyber-goth 63% Fantasy Goth 42% Old-school Goth 42% Romantic Goth 42% Ethereal Goth 38% Understanding Outsider 33% Confused Outsider 21% Death Rocker 13% Perky Goff 13% What subcategory of Goth best fits you? created with QuizFarm.com

Current Location: The Lab
Current Mood: working
Current Music: a centrifuge and a vortex

I was on my way to work, and I noticed a baby bird shivering on the asphalt road. It (not sure if it was male or female) was bigger than a new hatchling, but young enough where I could see its organs through its skin. Baby Bird (my name for it) was not able to lift up its own head, and BB's eyes were closed (too young to open them?). What is a girl to do?

This isn't the first time I've seen a baby bird. Two years ago, I was at the grocery store with Johnny. We noticed what looked to be a closed up tulip bud on the hood of his car. That turned out to be a little hatchling that fell on it. Sadly, it was such a hot day, and that little baby bird had no feathers yet, so its flesh started cooking (baking?) on the hot car. At least it was dead. It had a really cool little skull that would've been great to clean up. I hung the bird up in some tree bark, against a tree, hoping the ants would do most of the work for me, then I could just bleach the remains in the lab the next day. To my surprise those ants must've been really hungry since there wasn't anything left of that hatchling when I got back.

I have worked with embryonic birds. In grad school I was the Teaching Assistant for the lab in Animal Developemental Biology, and we'd crack open eggs that had been incubated for different amounts of time. Most students seem to be disturbed by them once they are older than 72hours, so we don't show them anything beyond that. In fact, a 72 hour chick embryo looks nearly identical to a human embryo - they are hard to tell apart unless you know what to look for. I had kept some good embryos (for my collection) in the past partly to fuck with people and tell them I must've miscarried or something! Actually, I mainly kept those embryos because they were beautiful. You could see the heart and brain lobes forming, and the bodies are really cool and transparent. And we start even smaller than that...

In the lab I did my research in for grad school (I was working on snail embryos at the time) there were some students that were working on embryonic chicken livers, and had to periodically harvest them. It was kinda gruesome, because these chicks were nearly ready to hatch. The student would sit with a flat of 24 eggs, and crack open the shells. Then the bird fetus would stick its head up and open and close its little beak. I don't know (no-one really does) if these little guys feel pain or not at that stage, but they'd be given a quick death with a pair of forceps quickly puncturing the brain. I've never done this. I'm not into vertebrates anyways (just their embryos) - they are so messy.

So back to Baby Bird. I scooped him up in my hands. I looked for his nest but couldn't find it. Anyways, if Baby Bird's Mama threw BB out, she probably doesn't want to see him return. I didn't want to see that little birdy die by being squashed under a tire though, especially since he was tough enough to survive a fall from a nest. I took Baby Bird to the lab cradled in my hand. It had a cute little feather mowhawk, so someone in the lab thought it was some kinda cardinal. It had beautiful blue feathers in its wings. Anyways, what was obvious is that there was no hope for Baby Bird and it had to die - and I'd rather it die quickly and humanely. We (some folks in the lab & I) put it in a little chamber and tried to put it to sleep with some organic solvent fumes (not chloroform, but something like it). Baby Bird's kicking slowed down. Then a senior lab member quickly snipped BB's neck, decapitating it. We took it to a tree outside and buried Baby Bird in some soft mossy soil. I washed my hands about 6 times, and crossed my fingers that Baby Bird didn't have the Bird Flu!

I know I did the right thing today, by not leaving Baby Bird on the road to shiver and suffer until it got squashed by some stupid car. But for some reason, I still felt really sad. I know this is the cycle of life and stuff, and I am a biologist, and BB was put out as humanely as feasible at the time. Not all Baby Birds will make it. Maybe Baby Bird wasn't the fittest. The fact that it survived the fall ok makes me think Baby Bird was pretty fit, and just had the bad end of the nest. Or maybe Baby Bird's siblings were tougher. For some reason, I just feel a bit unsettled.

If Autumn is when squirrels throw down nuts from above, then spring is when baby birds rain down from their nests.

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: the TV is on mute

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.


Uh, Ya, so that quiz I came out to be Supergirl. I am obviously not some SuperComputerGirl since I can't do all that cool linky with pics stuff you all do. Hmm. Is this because I don't have a paid account? Or do I need to do some fancy HTML stuff first?

I do, on the upside, feel like a "defender of the innocent".

If anyone needs any defending, Beenie, and The Court of Beenie are here for you!

See you at Aries tomorrow night! Hopefully Karyn & Brandy will be hanging out with me (for dinner) at my place, then we'll be heading out to vamp it up...

Supergirl
Supergirl 92%
Superman 90%
Wonder Woman 87%
Spider-Man 85%
Iron Man 80%
Hulk 80%
Batman 80%
Green Lantern 75%
The Flash 60%
Catwoman 55%
Robin 49%
Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.
Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Current Mood: frustrated

Edmonton Oilers took their series in the Western Quarterfinal in 6 games! It was 8 years ago that they made it past the first round (yes, I was out wearing my puckhead then too!). I knew good things would happen since we weren't up against those Dallas Motherfuckin' Stars. Please let those stars get squished outta this thing before we face off with 'em. Anyone who is even mildly interested in hockey and into watching the Oil take on round two, (and watching me jump on my bed when we win) lemme know! I've tried going to the local pub (Shorty's) to catch some games, but too many dorks keep talking to me during the game.

Oh, and May is Metal Month! Who knew?? So if it isn't hockey, VH1 classic is on! Canadian Hockey and 80's metal go perfect together... Hells' Bells right before puck drop in a cold hockey arena in E-town!

I'm sooo homesick...

Current Music: AC/DC "Back in Black"

I've decided I need to start drinking everyday! I think this is a good plan. Johnny asked me why I suddenly want to be an alcoholic. Hmm. Coming from him I hesitated for a sec. I've just been reading a lot about how 1 serving of alcohol is good for your blood vessels. I do work in a cardiovascular research center, you know. One small drink a night. To be honest, I actually don't like the taste of alcohol and I hate being dehydrated. But one drink is supposed to be good for you so dammit I'm gonna try! Orange-flavoured Stolli's is good in Sprite or something. And what better time than during the hockey game tonight! Go Oilers!

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: thirsty
Current Music: WRAL news!

I like kittens.